I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
