Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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