Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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