I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
