you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
