I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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