she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
