I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
