I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
