This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Randomize
