Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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