Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Everyone says I win the strip club
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
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