The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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