There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
