She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
