Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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