Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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