Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
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