I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
