Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Randomize
