party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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