that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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