You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
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