Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Semen is not good for contacts.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
