Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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