Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
