420 ftw
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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