Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
