THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
