Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I am one with the molecules
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