the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
