Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
