that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
