I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
