im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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