im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
