**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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