I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
