Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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