I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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