that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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