the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
