You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
