My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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