Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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