I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
