you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
