D3 body, D1 cock
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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