i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
