She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
