if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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