I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
