you have to choose: penises or morals?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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