Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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