the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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