Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
